Good afternoon, owners, magnates, and grand pubas of Major League Baseball,
I hope this letter finds you well. I am applying to the position of “MLB Commissioner”, as seen on job website MLB.com.
I feel that I am a strong candidate for this position, and my diverse resume and experiences equip me with the tools to not only fulfill my duties as Commissioner, but thrive and take the MLB to unprecedented heights.
As a (heretofore) underemployed recent college graduate, I am adroitly aware of the importance of maintaining MLB’s budget, and have extensive experience in watching my friends with cushy accounting jobs spend a lot of money on things they want in the moment, then decide they don’t want and trade mere months later. Once, my friend was immensely stoned and wanted to buy a $350 sculpture of a scarab beetle, and I talked him out of it; this proves I am capable of vetoing any contract not in the best interest of the players, owners, and MLB as a whole.
A strong disciplinarian is important to the health and image of MLB, and as an older brother with years of wiffle ball experience, I understand the essential nature of maintaining the old-school tradition of firing baseballs at the heads of those whom anger you, and vow to keep this dangerous and juvenile practice in place for my term.
I watched all of “Breaking Bad” in, like, 2 weeks, so I have a deep and thorough understanding of the television industry, and will be able to operate in the new world of MLB cable contracts with facility and faculty.
My zeal for baseball has yet to dim since I got a couple twitter favorites from a twitpic of a snapchat of myself crying after the Red Sox won the World Series last year, and I hope to lend my expertise and maintain an already-strong MLB flex, despite any anti-trust regulations establishing a dedicated No Flex Zone.
Attached you will find my proposals and platform as Commissioner. I thank you for reading this letter and reviewing my application, and I look forward to speaking to you again.
As Commissioner, I will enact the following policies:
- Complete revamping of Joint-Drug Agreement. Together with the MLB Player’s Association, I will work to enact a comprehensive performance-enhancing drug program, in which all players are given equal and equitable access to any and all PEDs they wish to take.
- Regulating stadium concession prices. The owners’ hegemonic tyranny with respect to the price of beer and cased meats has gone on too long, and I will mandate hard caps of $3 on hot dogs and all beers – domestic, imported, craft-brewed, etc. It’s time to put the purchasing power in the hands of the everyfan.
- Enforce pitchers’ delivery time limits more strictly. Jesus God fuck damn shit balls, just throw the goddamn ball, Papelbon. Please. For all our sakes. It’s 12:37 am, I gotta be at work in 6 hours, you’re 11 games back in the division, and I’m only watching this ’cause they’re letting Bartolo hit in the 9th for some strange reason.
- Improve the plumbing in Oakland’s O.co Coliseum. Actually, never mind – Mr. Wolff, tear down this park!
- Universal DH. Here’s the thing about pitchers hitting: it’s awful and terrible and anyone who actually enjoys it may require a lobotomy and/or chemical sterilization. Bunts are entertaining in the same way root canals, traffic jams, and excise taxes are: not at all. Home runs are for all in the Zahara era.
- Outlaw All Chanting of The “Seven Nation Army” Bassline. A seven Oriole fan army couldn’t hold me back from establishing this policy.
- Instant 1000% pay raise for the MLB Commissioner. These Commissioner yacht trips to Ibiza for “baseball outreach” aren’t gonna pay for themselves! (Neither are the mountains of cocaine and strippers.)
- Changing my middle name to BearWrangler. Kenesaw Mountain Landis was a great name. Bart Giamatti was a great name. William BearWrangler Zahara will forever be the greatest name.
- Summary executions of any Red Sox fans who cheer the next retiring Yankee. Thankfully, the Yankees won’t have any “legends” retiring for the next couple geologic eras, but the warm receptions and ovations Mariano Rivera and Derek Jeter received are unforgivable. I hope David Ortiz receives a gentle shower of used MetroCards, broken glass, and homeless person urine upon his last career at-bat at Yankee Stadium, as it should be.
- Play all baseball games on Twitter. With the increasing shittasticness of real life threatening to consume us all in a hail of Israeli/Gazan/Russian/Ukrainian/Police brutality bullets at any minute, and with the #millenial proclivity to waste all their time* on the internet, I will end the primitive practice of actually playing games outdoors, and instead upload all baseball players to the Cloud™ and play via social media!
* waste all their time = escape the hellificent debt-and-sadness double stuft world the boomers left us to flounder in
- Clone Vin Scully. 32 more should do: 28 for every team besides the Red Sox, one for ESPN, two for FOX, and one for TBS’s obligatory random NLDS coverage.